It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

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It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

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The best piece I took away from this book was that the individuals who suffered the most from this inherited family trauma came from ancestors who NEVER spoke of the trauma, except in bits and pieces that most likely terrified the young child who heard of the family lore that never got resolved. Wolynn's whole practice is dedicated to helping make these familial connections to trauma to help individuals let go of the anxiety, depression, or suicidal guilt that may actually have little to do with their own traumatic events. Wolynn is convinced that reconciliation with these family members, especially estranged parents, is the key to helping adults resolve their problems. Duygularımızı etkileyen epigenetik faktörlerin açıklandığı ilk bir kaç bölümü okurken somut biyolojik ve kimyasal olayların detaylı olarak açıklanacağı beklentisindeydim ancak olumsuz duyguları olumlu yönde nasıl dönüştürebileceğimizin açıklandığı bölümlere geçtikten sonra bu beklentimin boşa çıkacağını az çok tahmin ettim. Tabiî ki, stres altında bir hamilelik dönemi yaşayan bir annenin bebeğinin kanındaki kortizol seviyesinin gerektiği şekilde olmayabileceğini anlayabiliyorum. Bu arada, bilim dünyasında kortizol seviyesi ile ilgili birbiri ile çelişen bilgiler olduğunu da görmüş oldum. Ayrıca, anladığım kadarıyla, ihtiyaç duyduğum detaylı bilgilere ulaşabilmem için epigenetiğin önünde alması gereken bir hayli yol var. Annenin kaygısının devam etmesi halinde bu kaygının çocuğa beden ve sözlü dil ile bulaştırılabileceğini de bu kitabı okumadan önce, epigenetiği hiç hesaba katmadan tahmin edebiliyordum. Bu kitapta epigenetik veriler üzerinden yapılmaya çalışılan bilimsel açıklamalar ile anlatılan vakalarda önerilen iyileşme yolları arasındaki bağlantı bana pek net görünmedi. Yazar psikolojideki bazı genel geçer doğruları tekrarlarken yeni bir bilim dalı olan epigenetiği kullanarak yepyeni bir iyileşme yöntemi geliştirmiş gibi mi yapıyor acaba diye kötü kötü düşünmedim desem yalan olur. :-) Sonuçta, sebebini bildiğimiz olumsuzluklar karşısında çoğunlukla daha az korku hissettiğimiz ve duygularımıza serinkanlı yaklaşabildiğimiz genel bir gerçek değil mi? Kendisinin ve çevresindekilerin davranışlarını geçmişten gelebilecek bazı problemleri düşünerek sorgulayıp değerlendiren bir bireyin zaten sorduğu sorular kitaptakiler. Kitap kendimiz, ebeveynlerimiz ve onların anne babalarının çözülmemiş travmalarından söz ediyor. Diğer aile bireyleri ile az çok zaman geçiren ve sorgulama yapmaktan kaçınmayan bir bireyin kendisinin ve diğerlerinin davranışlarındaki dinamiği şöyle böyle kestirmesi çok da zor olmaz diye düşünüyor insan. İşte, yazarın depresyondaki bir kişinin sormasını istediği sorular, yeterli iletişimi kurmayı becerememiş bu kişiyi zaten diğer aile bireyleri ile iletişim sağlamaya itiyor. Geçmişte olan bitenin canlı tanıkları olan diğer aile bireyleri ile doğru sorular eşliğinde iletişime geçmek depresyondaki kişiye ihtiyaç duyduğu huzuru ve güveni zaten veriyor yanlış anlamadıysam. Depresyonda göz ardı edilebilecek gerçekleri hatırlatma işlevi de görebilir bu sorular belki. Sebebi epigenetik faktörler olsun ya da olmasın olumsuz duyguları iyileştirebilmek adına geçerli bir adım gibi görünüyor. A woman who couldn’t understand her sudden indifference toward her husband was entangled with her grandmother who lost her husband tragically at the same age. Another note, if I had to read one more bit overemphasizing mother as primary caregiver whose disrupted bonds ruin us I was going to throw an attachment theory book at him. Attachment literature tends to use the language of "primary caregiver" and recognize the expansive family systems that may exist. We can have different attachments to different people. It is possible that if you are not securely attached to your mom that you will be securely attached elsewhere depending on the health of the system. He often sounds like someone who read a lot of early psychodynamic work but didn't keep current with it. Psychodynamic's most important contribution, I would argue, is that what happens to you in the past and in your family's past matters. Also, some of his examples of epigenetics are not epigenetics. Based on my understanding, which is imperfect, an uncle dying at a certain point would not maybe influence genetics though it influences the family system. Maybe because of his training or experiences, Wolynn doesn't know how to differentiate these. Bridging both neuroscience and psychodynamic thinking, It Didn’t Start with You provides the reader with Mark Wolynn’s hard-earned toolbox of do-it-yourself clinical aids and provocative insights.”

When a trauma happens, it changes us—sometimes for generations. The grief, the suffering, the distress doesn’t always end with us. The feelings and sensations—specifically the stress response, the way our genes express—can pass forward to our children and grandchildren, affecting them in a similar way, even though they didn’t personally experience our trauma. Simply put, many of us relive the tragedies from previous generations and rarely make the link. Examples from the book include: making peace with past trauma that happened in YOUR life and you can’t change is important. taking steps to live in a loving, empathetic way, to yourself and others. being there for yourself.

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One caveat: I wish deeply he would have covered is a family history of sexual abuse. He covers almost every other area--murders in the family, alcoholism, etc, but how do you reconcile with a parent (or parents) who sexually abused and manipulated you? Especially if sexual abuse runs for several generations, as it often does? Unfortunately, he doesn't cover this topic in the book, which is a shame. Because I believe there are ways to come to deep compassion and forgiveness to help an individual let go of their trauma that was inflicted on them by their parents so that they don't have to repeat the abuse. Es obvio que no se puede hacer nada para cambiar lo que sucedió en el pasado o poder mandar sobre los sentimientos de otros, pero desde el interior cada uno puede hacer ese proceso de reconocimiento, perdón para ser liberados y capacidad de estar en paz consigo mismo, sin ansiedad como es mi caso. Practices, visualizations, healing sentences and other tools based in neuroscience that can help you disentangle from an emotional legacy you’ve inherited.

Your job is to reconnect with the love you naturally felt for her when you were small. In this way, you can let go of what you might be carrying that actually belongs to her.” The Jungian theories about inherited memories are not well supported. I completely buy that some major trauma that happened 3 generations ago is still probably having an effect on my family, but not because our genes carry the memory forward. Instead, it is the behavioral and emotional response that the people in the family exhibit that passes down the effect. finally, i would like to mention that obviously Mark Wolyyn is not!!! a doctor!!! he doesn’t give proper disclaimers for that, or explanations on how he learned or got these conclusions from. he mentions in the first lines of the book he works (or owns?) an "institute”, and later that is a "clinician" but he is not!! a doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist.Yazarın, depresyondaki kişinin hayatta olmayan ve travmasından izler devraldığı kişiye ritüel eşliğinde söylemesi gereken cümleleri hazır bir şekilde sunması garip geldi bana. Bir kitap okuma ile travmanın izlerinden çözülüp tamam iyileşme fikri çok da ikna edici gelmiyor bana. Mesela bir yakınınızın öldüğü gün yemek yemekte zorlanabilirsiniz. Yaptığınız şeylerden suçluluk duyabilirsiniz. Ölen kişinin kendisi hayatta olsaydı sizin aç kalmanızı istemeyeceğini aklınızdan geçirdiğinizde bu duygunuz yatışır. Yazar bu tip bir durumu incelerken size o kişinin ruhunun sizinle birlikte olduğunu hayal edip ona bunu söylemenizi tavsiye ediyor yanlış anlamadıysam. Ancak tam bu noktada, bazı okurların bu durumu, ruhlar ölmez ve bizimledir gibi algılaması çok da ihtimal dışı değil bence. Bu da kitabın biraz spiritüel tarafı olduğunu söyletebilir insanlara. While the first few chapters provide some useful information about how genetics and epigenetics play a role in our health, the author goes off into kookyville with his personal therapy. Honestly, the author focuses too much on how you need to fix and have a relationship with your parents and that if you fix this relationship then you will never be mentally ill again. Mind you that not everyone can fix or wants to "fix" the relationship with their parents, especially if there's severe abuse involved. it’s just baffling to me that this whole book is about how good it is for a trauma victim to HAVE to reconnect to the abuser 10/10 times, no matter the circumstances. If you visit a therapist and don't feel at least some relief after several sessions, try a different therapist. Su autor es Mark Wolynn quien ha hecho sus investigaciones sobre el trauma familiar heredado, de lo cual trata este libro de muy fácil lectura y comprensible. Se apoya en diferentes ramas del conocimiento, entre ellas la epigenética, para buscar dar respuesta del porque de diferentes comportamientos, enfermedades y miedos, los cuales, por experiencias de nuestros antepasados o personas cercanas pudieron quedar grabados en las células germinales que nos dieron origen.

Una compañera de trabajo y una familiar en diferentes contextos me habían recomendado este libro por situaciones relacionadas con mi salud. Después de ver la novela turca “Mi otra yo” decidí abordar el texto con todas las reservas y prevenciones por mi formación. moreover, the author believes that just by him explaining that, people can heal. because if now they know that the source of their suicidal tendencies, anxiety, depression, insomnia, you name it, was their great-great-uncle, they can “make peace with their family history” and it just goes away. 🙂

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personally, i was coming to this book to understand trauma better from a victim’s perspective. i think a great book that i read that i can give an example was by Marie-France Hirigoyen: “Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity”. I read this a few years ago and it really shone a light on emotional abuse and how emotionals abusers work, how victims cope. Yes, it IS our responsibility to heal our trauma, including the stuff passed onto us by previous generations, so we don't pass it onto our kids. But that also doesn't mean that envisioning our ancestors and telling them we can't carry their trauma any more is a magical cure. A young, Cambodian boy whose self-destructive behavior was linked to the murder of his grandfather by the Khmer Rouge. Depression. Anxiety. Chronic Pain. Phobias. Obsessive thoughts. The evidence is compelling: the roots of these difficulties may not reside in our immediate life experience or in chemical imbalances in our brains-but in the lives of our parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents. The latest scientific research, now making headlines, supports what many have long intuited-that traumatic experience can be passed down through generations. It Didn't Start with You builds on the work of leading experts in post-traumatic stress, including Mount Sinai School of Medicine neuroscientist Rachel Yehuda and psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score. Even if the person who suffered the original trauma has died, or the story has been forgotten or silenced, memory and feelings can live on. These emotional legacies are often hidden, encoded in everything from gene expression to everyday language, and they play a far greater role in our emotional and physical health than has ever before been understood. He CLEARLY states that for some people they can't actually reconcile with family (dead, estranged, etc) and then outlines a way to work through his process sort of in absentia. Gosh, I mean, half of his examples are people who are carrying the trauma of grandparents and great grandparents. Surely they're not all alive, right?



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